Well fuck

I’m furious right now. Not the kind of furious where I punch walls or start bawling, but the kind where my expression is completely blank. I can’t even focus on anything else besides my anger. I just keep staring at it and it’s right there, staring back at me. Nothing I can do about it.

I fucking hate stuff like this. I utterly despise things that are out of my control, yet under other people’s control that cause severe inconvenience. My mother is lazy. She gets a day off from work maybe once a week, and she usually spends it going on a “date” with some man from the internet. The ONE DAY she stays home, she spends it carrying this selfish air around her that I cannot overlook. She cooks breakfast, and I ask for seconds. She says no because I eat too much, and don’t want to be fat. I ask her to drive me to my boyfriend’s house whom I feel like I barely see anymore due to our conflicting schedules, and she says no. Okay, that’s enough to handle. But when I ask why not, wondering if we have other plans, she says “I don’t feel like it.” She doesn’t feel like it. Hm. Do you feel like doing the dishes? Clearly not, since they go 3 weeks on average without being done. How about laundry? Is the floor your personal clothing store? And food… ahh, what we need to survive. Do you feel like purchasing that? You know, just so your family can eat. Maybe not. Maybe we just won’t go grocery shopping for a month, and I’ll make myself Ramen everyday. Maybe she just doesn’t feel like being a parent. Maybe she shouldn’t have felt like having sex with her ex-husband and producing three children which she needs to support. Maybe she should feel like giving me away because being in this hell hole is torture enough.

If I know you personally and you read this, erase it from your mind. Seriously, this blog isn’t for anyone I’ve met in person. It’s for me, and any strangers who’re fascinated.

I’m furious.